These satirical news stories I wrote (à la The Onion) were originally featured on comedy website www.thingsofstuff.com.
"We need...a bear who can excite the audience, then make them sad, then excite them again without a moment's notice."
Gritty Care Bears Reboot to Feature “Bi-Polar Bear”
January 23, 2015
After weeks of ardent speculation by fans, Paramount has revealed that the studio’s gritty Care Bears reboot will indeed feature a new female “Bi-Polar Bear.” Paramount Chief of Reboots Dirk Dumas explained in a press release this morning that introducing Bi-Polar Bear to the mix was “our way of keeping the franchise relevant while destroying everything that made it popular in the first place.”
The Care Bear franchise became a household name in the late ‘80s with a line of TV shows and movies featuring lovable characters like Bedtime Bear, Good Luck Bear, and Love-a-Lot Bear, but Dumas explained it’s time to modernize the franchise to relate to today’s audiences. “Who cares about Funshine Bear anymore? We need some unpredictability, a bear who can excite the audience, then make them sad, then excite them again without a moment’s notice.”
While some fans welcomed the change, most said they didn’t feel comfortable with a Care Bear that suffers a troubling mental illness. After fielding a question from Chris Stockton, 42, regarding the misrepresentation of mental illness to today’s youths, Dumas cocked an eyebrow and laughed. “Oh my, no. We had no intention of touching on such sensitive and mature issues with children. We didn’t mean that she was a bi-polar bear, but merely that she was a bisexual polar bear that will engage in onscreen intercourse with both male and female Care Bears.”
The fate of the Care Bears was no longer in question when, after a brief moment of tension, Dumas beheld uproarious applause.
"The combination of 'Opposite Day' and the 'I Know You Are But What Am I' defense created a rift in the fabric of our universe..."
Thousands Dead as Opposite Day Rips Hole in Space-Time Continuum
January 22, 2015
Tragedy struck early this morning as the random occurrence known as Opposite Day tore a hole in the space-time continuum and claimed thousands of innocent lives within a five-mile radius of Woodcrest Elementary School in Crestwood, Indiana. “I can’t believe this happened again,” said third-grader Billy Rubin. “Or maybe I can?”
It all began when fourth-grade troublemaker Connor Devins engaged in a battle of wits with his archrival Devin Connors, in which Devins called Connors a “craphead who eats crap.” Connors asserted that since it was Opposite Day, Devins’s argument was null and void and that it was in fact Devins that was the craphead. At this point, Devins countered with the classic defense, “I know you are, but what am I?” and then all hell broke loose.
As it turned out, the combination of “Opposite Day” and the “I Know You Are But What Am I” defense created a rift in the fabric of our universe that ushered in infinite quantum time paradoxes from the multiverse that can and cannot exist at the same time. World-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking referred to this morning’s quantum event as, “some pretty messed-up shit.”
The carnage abated when Connors proclaimed that it “takes one to know one!” an utterance which immediately reversed existence and sucked every quantum time paradox into a warp slipstream straight to the multiverse resulting in everything existing as it was mere moments before the debacle.
Sources confirmed that by lunch time the two children were back to trading Skylanders action figures.
Ingenious Landlord Rejuvenates Dilapidated Building with Fresh Paint
January 21, 2015
“Good as new,” local landlord Hector Campos proclaims after brushing a fresh coat of paint on a shattered door jamb. He shakes hands with Billy Rubin, one of his longest renters, and chuckles. “You can hardly tell it’s broken as long as you don’t use the door.”
Campos has spent the last week repairing one of his many apartment buildings on East Broadway with nothing but a paint roller and a bucket of off-white paint. It’s an ingenious new tactic adopted by many landlords in New York to fight skyrocketing property taxes. “It’s cheap for me and everyone loves when their apartment resembles a lumpy eggshell. It’s a win-win.”
The tactic is not without its critics as many New York tenants have spoken against the over-use of paint calling it “lazy,” “irresponsible,” and “insulting.” A moment after Campos leaves the apartment, Billy Rubin points to an outlet clogged with paint and explains, “The apartment has all the same problems it used to, it just looks different. What does he think we are, stupid?”
When approached with Rubin’s complaint, Campos shrugs. “Whatever. Websites do this all the time and nobody cares. Why should I?”
"I guess this is what happens when the Academy is run by a bunch of old white humans."
Optimus Prime Snubbed For Best Actor Yet Again
January 15, 2015
The nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were released this morning and once again, Optimus Prime was completely snubbed. Prime explained, “I had faith that in such a tumultuous time in robo-human relations, the Academy would honor my performance in Transformers 4, but alas, they didn’t.”
Transformers: Age of Extinction or as it’s more commonly known, “Another Michael Bay Diarrhea-Fest,” is the latest entry in the saga of the Autobots versus the Decepticons and according to Prime, his best performance to date. “I admit I was terrible in the beginning. People kept saying Megan Fox had the most robotic performance in that first movie, and I knew that if a human was outdoing my schtick, I’d need to step it up. Now it’s like I don’t even react when Non-Descript Building 47 collapses around me.”
This marked not only another snub for Optimus Prime, a relative newcomer, but also for Godzilla, a 60-year veteran of the craft. “I don’t get it,” Prime continued, “I guess this is what happens when the Academy is run by a bunch of old white humans.”
When reached for comment, an Academy spokesperson explained that, “since Optimus was portraying himself in his own story, Age of Extinction qualifies as a biopic and we had already nominated about a thousand of those.” Sources report that upon hearing the news, a sobbing Optimus Prime transformed into a giant nose and blew himself.
"We couldn't release this and still respect ourselves in the morning."
Sony Removes “The Interview” from Release Schedule After Finally Viewing Trailer
December 17th, 2014
This Wednesday, after finally catching the trailer for the Seth Rogen and James Franco comedy “The Interview,” Sony senior management immediately removed the film from their holiday release schedule. In a press release, Sony stated: “It was incredible how aggressively unfunny the trailer was. We couldn’t release this and still respect ourselves in the morning.”
The buddy comedy depicts the misadventures of a TV personality and his producer as they attempt to assassinate Kim Jong Un, the leader of North Korea. “How the fuck did this even get greenlit?” continued Sony in their press release. “'Team America' already exists and the only thing this trailer promised to deliver was the same rote pseudo-homosexuality that Seth Rogen and James Franco bring to every goddamn movie.”
The trailer, which contains clips of Seth Rogen jamming a bomb up his rectum and repeated references to “poop” and “pee,” had gone ignored by Sony’s senior management for months, but sources claim that when they finally saw it, there were immediate discussions to obliterate the film from the face of the Earth. In response to a trailer segment in which Seth Rogen and James Franco’s characters argue about the feasibility of swimming from North Korea to Japan, Sony admitted, “We knew right there and then this would be a mishmash of improvised garbage, just like 'Neighbors.' We couldn’t make the same mistake Universal made with that pile of shit.”
Sony concluded their press release with high hopes for their reboot of "Annie," which they claim, “will suck hard, but is nowhere near as bad as ‘Interview’ could have been. Woo boy.”
"I built a fort out of all the corpses, but that was over six months ago."
Sci-Fi Monster Not Sure What To Do After Murdering Everyone
December 3, 2014
The Xenomorph paces about the airlock of the USCSS Leviathan, an F-Class starfreighter rendered derelict after the alien gruesomely murdered the whole crew over one frantic weekend. “I’m just so fucking bored, you know?”
It raises a Virginia Slim to its slimy mouth, where a piston-like tongue equipped with an auxiliary set of teeth accepts the cigarette and puffs. “I built a fort out of all the corpses, but that was over six months ago.”
The creature whips its lethal tail toward an old People Magazine in the corner, disemboweling a TOS intern on the way. “I can recite each crap article from memory. Spoiler alert: Brad ain’t the dad.”
It leads us to the medical bay where, after impaling another TOS staffer with its tongue, it crouches into an air duct. “Sometimes I get high and hide skulls in the ventilation system,” it says as it clatters about the ship, unseen. “But I know this ship inside and out, so it’s not even fun anymore.”
One more staffer gets pulled into a shadowy corridor, where he’s shredded to death by the alien’s razor sharp claws. It emerges, drenched in a combination of gore and its own viscous secretions. “Anyway, I’m glad you guys showed up to break the monotony.”
Surveillance footage from the Leviathan confirms that the Xenomorph savagely tore the final TOS reporter limb from limb before trudging back to the People Magazine and erasing the crossword.